How can you explain something that has happened to you, when you don't understand it yourself? The past year, I have been fighting tooth and nail to reclaim my life. It all started with a little tummy ache, and ended with me on death's door and being evacuated from two different countries. In the middle though, I was taken care of by some of the most precious Germans I have ever met. I was loved by people I didn't even know. I was held together by friendships that I couldn't imagine ever having.
When the major saga ended, the journey back was just starting. I arrived in America and spent 4 more days in the hospital. When I got out, the dramatic physical illness began to finally wane (after 7 weeks), and the emotional one descended. I really thought I had lost my mind. Some people from my organization came to debrief me, and one mentioned that I may have some brain damage from the 107 F fever that I had, and the other mentioned that I was at risk for substance abuse due to the post trauma stress... so... I would be a brain damaged addict before it was all over? I really didn't want to go down that road. But I have to say, drowning my sorrows did cross my mind a time or two, better to drown my sorrows than for me to drown in them...
I have always dreamed of friends that would stick by me when everything else was gone. But this time it wasn't a dream. I would call, cry and they would just listen... no condemnation, no judging, and best of all, no one tried to "fix" me. They just let me be me. There were days that I really didn't think I would make it to the end of the day. Yes, there were a few that said, "why are you still crying, you should be over this by now" Mostly, I said that to myself. But I think there are people who haven't grieved over living in a fallen world, and they couldn't understand. So, there is grace for them.
I lost a lot. The biggest loss were my two cats. One was a little kitten that I saved just before I got sick, the other was My little Pip Squeak, whom I had for 2.5 years. She was such a sweet joy to me. One of my leaders wrote me an email when I had been here about 3 months, and told me I needed to get a cat, because they comfort me so. But the pain of losing them is nearly too much to bear. Then again...
When I was in the German Army Field hospital, I had some really precious nurses taking care of me. In the past 3 weeks, I have seen three of them and my doctor. I knew when I got to the hospital, that the Germans would be good and efficient. I never dreamed how kind they would be. There was on in particular that was just a joy to be with. He cried when I left, and so did I.
Saying goodbye to people who have effected my life in such a big way in such a short time is really weird. Do you stay in touch? Do you say goodbye forever? What do you do? What is appropriate. I should know these things, because I am a nurse.
I had a special patient one time in the recovery room. He had been in a car accident, and we fought all day long on July 4th to keep him alive. Twice we brought his family back to say goodbye... he lived. He had multiple surgeries over the next few months, and I recovered him on a number of occasions. I remember his name, but I am sure he doesn't remember me. I wonder sometimes when I am in the states, if I will run into him at Wal mart.
I had another patient who had a tracheostomy and had multiple out patient surgeries to keep it patent (open). Somehow, I always ended up being her nurse. The last time that I recovered her, as she left, she put her arms around my neck and told me that she loved me.
When I saw Chris (my German Medic), I told him I loved him, because I do. I love hard, but it hurts, because somehow there is always a goodbye involved. I wonder sometimes if I will ever get to stay with those I love. I know I will in eternity, and though that seemed very close a year ago, it seems very far away right now.
My two best friends here are now far away. One left for England for more schooling, and the other will stay in Mazar, as I move to work in Kabul. Another goodbye. But I am so very thankful that I have such a precious friend to say goodbye to. It means I have loved and been loved well. I wouldn't trade anything for that.
1 comment:
You are right Sugar! You Are Loved! As well as 'Our Father", we love you with all of our hearts. Pr@ing for you always--John
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